I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
