remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
