Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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