I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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