i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
