i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
