So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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