Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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