i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
