Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
