are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
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I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
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Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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