umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
