I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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