I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
