Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
