i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
