____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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