I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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