I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
