he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
