In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
