I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
