we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
