I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
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I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
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Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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