And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
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I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
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I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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