so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
