So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
