Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
