his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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