Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
