He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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