i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Randomize
