theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
