I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
