another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
