you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
