she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
