i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
