if i can run in heels then i can drive
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Randomize
