phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
