can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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