We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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