So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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