just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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