I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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