I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize