Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
