my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
