after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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