You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
