I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
