Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
