gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
its liver damage thursday
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
