I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
