I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
