I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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