Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
