Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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