You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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