Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
