Michael Bay diarrhea
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
She told me I should be a condom model.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
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