She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
