this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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