At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I CAN MOONWALK!
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
