She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
